I'm drinking while my friends build sand castles, now I know how my dad used to feel
you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
Sucks about the cops last night
to be honest when I first looked up I wanted to know who was coming from a costume party..
my hip hurts so fuckin bad. and I just found a half eaten burrito in my nightstand drawer.
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
I know how to say Yes, No, and Your Mother's Vagina. So almost fluent.
YOU NEED TO STOP BLOWING DUDES ON MY COUCH AT MY PARTIES
YOU NEED TO STOP PROVIDING TEQUILA AT YOUR PARTIES
WHY does every guy I sleep with want to fix my car?!
All the drunken hookups over the last year are self destructing, at least something is keeping nursing school interesting
Apparently she "missed me" and the only logical solution was to fuck my brother.
I finally broke my dry spell. I did it. D-do-da-Dora.
Is it bad that we left the kid passed out on the bus? I think his name was texas. I was too drunk to be questioning this.
I didnt know whether I was going to vomit or orgasm because I was feeling both sensations
She is beauty she is grace
she’s masturbsting in front of an open window while drunk af 9am
i thought you had class
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
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