haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
I got raped by $2 you call it's. I'm still hammered. And mentoring high school kids. My life is a joke.
someone owes me an orgasm
its not facebook stalking, its market reasearch
all adderall does is make me the grand champion of using wikipedia.
I dont care what I am for halloween, as long as i'm not a father after
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
I found your doppelganger. same hair, eyes, personality, catch phrases, and penis. it was mind-boggeling.
just saw a sign in the bar that says "no more naked fridays". Where the fuck was I on these naked fridays?
His pick-up lines are quotes from Doctor Who. Of course I fucked him.
Honestly at least you're not debating on whether or not you need to take plan b. But I can't because I spent all my money on pizza.
You need to get a passport so we can carry our bad decisions over the border
The one time I decide to bring people over you are laying naked on the coffee table watching the ceiling fan cause "it just moves so fast" I'm guessing you got paid today??
did you know that sneaking into a golf course at midnight is a felony? the cop made sure to tell us after she peed on the course and hit on him
getting my period the day i moved was my bodies way of saying 'congratulations youre not leaving town with anybodies babies!'
Randomize
