then we talked for a little and he asked my last name which since I have yet to get a fb request I'm 95% sure its for a restraining order
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
I fucked your brother... Hey, at least we know he is not gay... You're welcome.
I owe you a thank you for last night. Only you could go up to a guy, ask if he likes my boobs, and return later to find us in a full on dance floor makeout sesh. Well played.
I ended up at these random girls' house they are smoking weed out of a gun
I vaguely remember us chasing shots by licking each other's faces last night. Our friendship has reached another level completely.
i just got referred to as "the Loch Ness Cockster". God bless my Scottish heritage.
I swear to god....if you can give yourself a brazilian you can take a fucking bullet
I was blacked out when we met, so basically this will be a blind date.
dude, i just found out morgan freeman loves weed. all my moms arguments are now irrelevant
I'm still not 100% sure who I'm sleeping with
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
You should feel special! You're also the only person I've ever punched during sex
i dont think sending her flowers will make her forgive you running over her foot.
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