Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
he took off my shirt and said 'oh my god the legends are true'
just had cupcakes and mountain dew for dinner-now i'm playing super mario brothers. 10 year olds all over the world would kill to be me.
You can't just say things like "great depression theme party" and then not respond.
the general consensus of people in the room is that i should have another bottle of wine.
"people in the room" being me.
It's end St Patricks day. I'm gonna need a leash. And a bib. And a rain check on anything considered dignifying.
Men are not even allowed to look at you without a condom on.
he made a bon jovi sex playlist and started crying when "i'll be there" came on... how was your night?
Oh it's not a problem. Cleaning up the yard and disposing of 75 gallons of Jello is all I've got to look forward to today.
Hot dogs and hydrocodine is NOT the combo of champions
Why'd you print out every dick pic you've ever received and tape them to the bathroom walls?
He was stoned laying on my bed singing I'm a little tea cup while I took a pregnancy test. Thank god it was negative.
Note to self:A blacklight toga party at a frat house is a bad idea. Some things cannot be unseen
I don't think I'll get invited back. I drunkenly told her that her kids would be perfect for a pro-abortion campaign.
He told me my car had really nice leather seats right before he jizzed all over them.
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