you were so high you were expressing yourself in action figures
is 1am too late, or too early to make bacon?
the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
Blowjobs in the shower are a lot like blowjobs not in the shower. Awesome.
Just got a blowjob in her closet with two people sleeping outside in the room. I feel like the emperor of college.
the outcome of this sandwich determines whether or not i do anything else with my day..
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
Nope, had to pee on the side got violated by tall grass. Then someone came around the corner and I had to stop mid pee to dive into the car.. Pants down
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
You know you need to get it together when a frat guy wakes you up and says you need to go to class
He's my ex's boss. I'm not above sleeping with him for that fact alone.
Woo is fucking right, dude. Vodka night tonight. Honestly, every night pretty much seeems like vodka night lately. My liver wants to move out of my body like I gave it an eviction notice.
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
Through a complicated series of events, I wound up in the desert with a blue chick from comic-con. we lost peter. if you're alive, please come get us.
Randomize
