I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
no, that was the night I slathered your dick in the icing from my birthday cake
This is amazing. I can pinpoint the window in time that you lost all sanity.
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
You just kept stroking his beard and thinking aloud that you wanted to rub your face all over it.
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
You told me that you were as fast as lightning and you wanted to race me. Then you faceplanted after falling down the stairs.
I tried to celebrate Halloween, Thanksgiving, Hannukah, and New Years all in one night.
My butt remains clenched, sir.
he was snoring so I have him a bj to wake him up and then told him he had to leave.
OH MY GOD YOU GUYS I JUST FOUND OUT I HAD PHONE SEX THE OTHER NIGHT
so horny i almost want to text him..and then i remember the restraining order i have against him
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
ps why does my dog smell like popcorn and a dryer sheet..?
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