you refused to come out of the bathroom until i asked you in spanish
My fave moment of today was you sitting in a hot pink innertube puking into the ocean in front of a lot of children. i would have held your hair back but the ocean did it for you.
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
They don't exactly give out small business loans to start-up dealers
Even his old football coach jokes about how big it is. I don't want to be alone in a room with him and that monster.
No, i went to get it done but the guy couldnt find it. exhibit A of why i wanted a clit piercing in the first place.
some guy i've known for a week sent me nudes saying "you're welcome" i need an award for this birthday
I feel like I just rode a horse, did a million jumping jacks, ran a marathon and need a carton on cigarettes. best sex hands down... EVER
You can't start the super bowl without starting a kitchen fire making cole slaw. Its unamerican.
I don't even want to know
My face feels like its stuck between a ball sack and an asshole.
I tried to find the bar, ended up at a car dealership. Then the alarms went off.
You were asking her how her mother would feel if y'all dated, etc. And I was yelling at you your girlfriends name over and over again in between gags and sobs.
I miss forts and drugs that made me believe in unicorns...
You showed me your butthole that's like a mating call in other species
I blacked out after the piñata full of condoms
Randomize
