Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
Nights of college: 1. Virgins: 1. Yes.
My bracket is officially just a list of teams that lost.
i'm pretty sure the only people calling it "sexting" are ones who don't actually do it
All I know is that if a letter starts with "I'm aware you jerked off in the bathroom last night," I don't want to finish reading it.
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
Fine then. I'll just do all this coke on my own this weekend and die. It'll be strictly your fault.
You challenged yourself to walk backwards all the way to the bar... And you did
Was in the middle of a keg stand, the frat guys dropped me, and I broke my nose. My mom didn't enjoy that call from the hospital.
Peeling duct tape off of my dick is definitely one of the stranger sensations that I've experienced.
I have the most nasty and explicit wet dreams of my boss that I'm embarrassed to look him in the face. I'd be pregnant or promoted if he only knew
And now you understand the importance of Saturday naps.
Because you stay up all night having sex and eating sushi?
I'm pretty sure the Bible says "He who is most sober may cast the first stone."
if I dont text you back in 10min assume i am in fact still dizzy and injured myself in the shower. and call an ambulance. thanx.
Its mothers day... Can my present be an orgasm...for once?
Randomize
