I think we should involve a squid next time we fuck.
u kno there is a reason i dont tell mi friends about u
he fingered my asshole thinking it was my vag...I couldn't bring myself to tell him, mostly from shame for me and pity for him
I have a critically important question to ask.
Why does watermelon-flavoured candy exist?
I got my period while he was fingering me , I knew it because I never get that wet.
Did u at least say sorry?
he was shitfaced drunk and couldn't walk but could still recite the top 10 in order from the first season of american idol. impressive
They wouldn't let me go to sleep at the police station while I was waiting to bail u out. YOU OWE ME
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
I found you laying in the kitchen with a bottle of vodka and a slice of bologna on your face. You said you were having a spa day.
You can do it. What doesn't kill us just drives us to drink
Someday you'll be stoned enough to create a one-person step team and then you'll understand
It sounds like I am drunk, but I am not. I just have a concussion.
Bring me the dick of your room mate Alex and I will reward you in in skittles.
What can i say, my face is nice and my body is just unreal. And my beer pouring/stealing is incredible \n
Alan said you can come over and eat me out anytime you want, as long as we give him enough notice to hide in the closet before we arrive
I'm drinking because I just started here and every single person I work with wants to quit and when I asked a coworker how she's doing she literally just started crying.
Randomize
