sometimes when you bring the thunder you get lost in the storm
Porn is love you can see.
the guy I was hooking up with asked me if he could wear a guerilla suit during sex.
I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
the crunchwrap supreme is the def leppard of the taco bell menu
which is why it's clearly superior
So does your leg always twitch violently when someone plays with your clitoris? Or has my ten years of piano playing finally paid off?
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
Judging by the crutches in the living room I take it you two are fine and we aren't going out tonight?
I gotta bail on the cookout tonight. Im at the er getting stitches. Re-enacting porno went horribly wrong.
I figured out why I insisted on leaving my sweater on the ground outside. I smelled it and I'm 97% sure I peed on it last night
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
I just saw a wasted dude crawl out of the road at 2 in the afternoon. Big question- still drunk from the weekend or hitting the soju already?
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
I have sent texts to the pizza delivery guy telling him he was beautiful. Oh and you almost got a ticket for pissing in public. And I smell like cheese.
Chasing shots with airborne.. Gonna get rid of my sickness and my soberness.
Randomize
