i'm lost and i look like a hooker
probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
Cant decide who was more of a mess the morning after... me when i passed out in the bathroom stall or you when you sprayed yourself down with hairspray thinking it was sunblock
yesterday, he said he didn't trust me around his daughter because "if she was wrapped in rolling paper u'd smoke her." yup.
No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
listening to the two girls in the next stall finish a 40 and laugh at this guy they both fucked. they're calling him 'tulip dick'.
She said we should all be mermaids since didn't breathe for 9 months inside our mothers. I want her logic.
No she had like 2 shots and started ironing her clothes and whispering random shit in my ear
Yes, I am about to pass out on my beanbag with a mason jar of wine. Welcome to the south freshmen.
I think the multiple Sunday morning sirens outside my window are a plot by the cops to get back at me for the shit we pulled last night. Or I should move to a better area.
If it makes you feel any better, I had my finger up some guy's butt today... Dominatrix training, ya know...
This is the Santa Claus of hangovers. It just keeps giving.
He's a college graduate, has an excellent job, and respects his family. To say nothing of his 8.5 inch cock. His narcolepsy not withstanding...I'm marrying this motherfucker.
Too high to wash a dish but just high enough for a kitchen fire
I have cats now. Five of them.
Have you considered starting a global domination firm?
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