her lazy eye was starring daggers at me.
my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
so... my grandma just told me i should be a stripper
well at least shes not calling you fat anymore
Apparently I was holding on to a pizza crust for hours last night.
she let a homeless guy feel her up so she could go for a ride in his shopping cart
He told him to "throw up in my mouth like I'm a baby bird."
You thought your socks were broken. They were just inside out.
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
It's hard not to feel like a terrible person with bruises on your tits.
I passed out with the lights and tv on woke up at 4am SO confused and covered in goldfish so I ate them and went back to bed.. fuck xanax
Don't forget to grab a pregnancy test and sloppy joe mix for tonight
He said that we couldn't refer to each other as brother and sister anymore cuz we were in no way related and he would love nothing more than to get naked with me.
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
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