Fuck U Mike is a golden god.
Mike give steph back her phone.
In hindsight, i should have predicted that a drink called the 'rocky mountain bear fucker' would not end in a pleasant experience
so sad. i just ate the last good 'n' plenty out of the bottom of my purse.
No. I remember how loud you used to get. Trust me.
Well, think of it this way, if this were 200 years ago your father would have received the most goats in all the village for your fertile loins. Think about that.
Just told my mom sparks is a health drink. Officially getting hammered on the way to the beach.
your drunk ass trust falled a guy double fisting bud limes and as a result your head bounced off the patio table. So that might explain the stitches on the back of your head.
doing an easter egg hunt in a liquor store right now. i feel so adult
Either you got hacked or we need to have a serious discussion about sending penis enlargement emails to your straight friends and why you shouldn't. It sends the wrong message.
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
no it was
but you compared your dick to a female disney character
I puked on her cat, I think I should at least buy her breakfast
Think I was still drunk when I woke up cause I went and bought a mandolin
Oh god I found a set of car keys in my pocket, and I have no idea who's they are
Randomize
