The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
And then I interrupted the father of the groom, to ask if she was "ballet or pole" in the middle of his story about his niece, the dancer.
You were pretty committed to that cat costume. Between pukes, you would meow and assure people that you just had a hairball you couldn't get out...
Just filled the brita up in the bathtub because we couldn't get it into the sink.
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
I passed out with my wizard stick taped to my hands and got woken up being poked with a St. Bernard
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
the saddest part is, this is not even the first time i've woken up in a shopping cart with a concussion.
Do you have any pics of the gummy penis incident?
I hope you enjoy this collage I made of you and me getting fucked up together
Man. Apparently I blacked out between the 4th margarita and my air mattress. Asleep in my jeans at 10pm. Mom outdrank me again.
I just wanna get high and take a fucking awesome nap. Those are my goals for the week.
We're in a hurricane and you send me a video of you playing with your dick while driving! You wanna die?!
If I had your ass I would rule the world
There is way too much butt cleavage here for a formal event.
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