I'm peeing chunks and puking liquid. Did I at least have fun last night?
I dont need to watch it. And stop comparing your life to Entourage.
Sharpest. Poop. Ever.
My worst case scenario tonight is that I fuck a hot Swiss girl. Let that give you perspective on my life at the moment.
She did my hair, then ate me out. Switching teams was an awesome decision.
I've friend zoned this boy hard. I made him change my nipple rings before he went home.
I wish men found my impeccable aim when spitting into the sink attractive.
He's ninety percent amazing leader, brother, and teacher, and ten percent unforgivable douche. These are the men I look up to in my life.
WHY ARE THERE SO MANY BURPS IN MY SMALL, INCREDIBLY ATTRACTIVE BODY
On the other hand, this could be a new level of shame for me.
I was like sure, i'll have a drink or two to end the night early. Next thing i know theres a ton of dudes in my house and like 3 gallons of wine. I cant do anything in moderation.
I've seriously never been more thankful for marijuana and my resting bitchface.
In other news I was masturbating last night and came really fucking hard to the thought of yelling at a customer....
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
Yes. With one-hundred percent positivity I can say yes, I do not want you covered in waffles and syrup when I come home.
Randomize
