I was giving him a handjob and he commented that he loved my nailpolish....I'm destined to die a fag hag
The story about him having a girlfriend changed real fast when he found out that I was a gymnast
this is random but who was banging in the shower in our condo?
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
Not much, really baked..... beethoven is AMAZING it's like i'm flying in space with baby jesus
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
Nurse helped me count all my sexual partners and still gave me her phone number. She shall be #73.
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
As its breast cancer awareness month, I'm going to do my part by making everyone aware of my breasts
He sent me a vid of himself jerking off. I hope his hands are the size of tennis rackets or it will be a very short date.
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
WHY IS THE HAIRSPRAY SOUNDTRACK PLAYING IN THE LIQUOR STORE
Sorry I wore your bra during sex last night
My vagina measures dicks. It's accurate to the half inch.
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
Randomize
