I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
so I smoked with the leasing agent of the apartment complex. Of corse I am going to take this one
i think the whole apartment complex could hear you beating off last night
You got ahold of his prescription papers and gave out prescriptions for cranberry and vodka
A piece of cheeseburger just fell between my tits. Consider this a "wish you were here" postcard.
There's two girls at the bar sniffing each others boobs.
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
Tell nick i'm sorry for throwing a block of cheese at him last night
Get to the bar. Power hour leading up to the rapture.
He looks like a fat version of lurch from the adams family and smells like fritos. This is not the caliber man I want pleasuring himself to the thought of me!
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
I mean with a sentence like that I knew I would be cumming
That's how pantless uber rides happen
I did a trust fall off the bar and then almost got into a knife fight over a push up competition. Just another Tuesday.
Turns out my GF and my FWB have a mutual friend. Yada yada yada, I need to crash on your couch
Randomize
