Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
I saw you sitting on top of my car trying to row back home... Did you make it?
You said that "grilled cheese was much to complex" and started to throw the buttered bread at the wall while eating all the cheese.
well his nickname is liver of steel so it makes sense that his balls follow suit. tell him i say sorry
You were fucked up like a footballbat trying to eat gum off your shoe. And that wasn't even the nights lowest point.
omg I just had an epiphany about why I grew into such a whore....
HAVE YOU EVER NOTICED WHAT THE SPICE GIRLS USED TO WEAR?!? those were my idols, I never stood a chance
I should have made a run for it. Seriously who calls the cops on themselves and goes to jail. ...on a Monday.
Dude just texted me asking if I could drive 45 mins for a quickie dude use your hand
what the hell makes you think you get to decide what your going to wear at our weding!?
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
Fuck off. Since when do you love him??
Since he licked my arm to retrieve the macaroni and cheese he dropped. You have to appreciate that
Can't even lie. Mad respect
I should probably add her on Facebook for as much as I cheat off her in Physics, huh?
I let a drunk straight girl spank me with a metal paddle at the bar tonight. Remind me to never do that again.
He goes "what would you say if I told you I like to get it in?" def a potential soulmate right there.
Randomize
