as for my dating sex life, no more regret sticks. Only pride wands from now on.
Our relationship is like that beach boys song "help me Rhonda" and I'm fucking Rhonda. And Rhondas's the whore in case you've never heard it.
singing james blunt while drunk. tell me thats not wonderful
youre talking to a girl on facebook chat right now and im sitting behind her in class lol. creepy?
The movie was so bad she gave me two blowjobs. Two.
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
I got us chalkboard mugs. Now whoever comes home with us can feel comfortable in the morning! I am too considerate to my one-night stands...
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
I'm going to be fiscally responsible and buy a handle.
I feel like we should apologize to the light saber. We were REALLY inappropriate with it last night.
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
The cleaning lady has moved my vibrator twice now so I would say I'm pretty ready to move out.
I was actually kind of excited. I mean, how many people can say they've been question by the CIA?
He made a group chat with him, his wife, & I. Is this really life!??
Never go to your parents' super bowl party. I learned, in great detail, "Why Aunt Trisha is a hoe" Not enough beer on the eastern seaboard.
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