We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
So I just saw a commercial for tickle me Elmo furry gloves. And I thought hmm I bet I could jerk off with those. Is that a sign of deepseated charachter issues?
Shit. Come in my room. Bring a trashcan and an icepack
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
When a girl says " I never would have come over if I knew I was getting kicked out at 7am." the correct response isn't "but think of how responsible you're being."
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
They're tearing apart the house I lost my virginity in:(
We are magical, pot smoking, smart as hell, single as fuck, woodland dolphins.
I wish my bank account would intervene on my life choices.. $200+ in alcohol in 2 weeks and a $40 McDonald's bill is a cry for help.
i have to vacuum my washing machine now, asshole
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
You don't come back from leaving a bag of shit on someone's counter Jill
I'm not drinking for the rest of the week. I need discipline, celery, dick, and a bible.
she squeaked mid orgaism. I laughed she cried
when the cops came she just started yelling at them "Fuck the police! freedom of speech bitches!"
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