I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
i just drank a strangers drink off a toilet
I may be a little high but I'm pretty sure my alphabet soup has only Os in it
We call that spaghetti Os
NBC reported that a group almost has enough signatures to submit pole dancing as an Olympic sport in 2016...
God I fucking love America.
I don't have enough holes for all these australians
5 out of the 6 of them cut their hands while trying to shot gun the beer, I had never seen balls attached to such patheticness
If I am going to pay someone to make me puke, it's going to be the bartender.
Even though he had a fractured vertebrae, the sex was still phenomenal. Better than normal actually. I hope the vertabrae never heals.
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
i came so hard i kicked through my windshield
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
Shit my boyfriend's roommate thinks thinks: I love getting woken up to the sound of my roommate getting a blowjob
That moment when you sit down to shit and someone is watching porn on the other side of the wall.
Update: I spent 10 minutes trying to fish out a rogue vagina weight.
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
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