Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
he accidentally used the toothbrush i use to induce my bulemia...i feel like this is something he shouldnt find out...
Would you still love me if I had no teeth
Yeah why?
Cuz i woke up this morning and a few are gone
I noticed how good my hair still looked. Apparently rum and coke in it helps it stay curly thru sex. May be using this more often.
Why yes actually, getting stoned and reading an AARP magazine IS totally where I wanted my night to end!
Strip club for my birthday. And none of this discrimination shit. We're going to a guys one and girls one. Go get your singles.
He called it restless penis syndrome. I call it cheating.
It has gotten to a point where I just want to sit on his face. Less butterflies, more orgasms.
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
from across the room i saw you look into your beer and whisper "i love you"
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
Sunday morning breakfast with the boyfriends family. I just puked in the stall at Cracker Barrell. Classy.
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