If she didn't want me to pass out in her bathroom, then she shouldn't have such a furry rug in there
There's a guy at this party taking all the unfinised beers and pouring them into a pitcher so he can drink them tomorrow.
i woke up with a wedding ring drawn on my finger...if this was vegas id be worried
that ring i bought was worth the 6 bucks. wore it to the bar, told some girl i was recently divorced and wasnt ready to take it off. just got laid. THRICE.
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
Uh, he still talks to you after you basically sexually harassed him using emojis?
She's lucky her pussy is worth listening to her ramble about bedroom furniture for 30 minutes
I might as well just sew it shut at this point.
Happy "I'm glad our dad made us sisters and then summarily downgraded himself to sperm donor" day.
we had to follow your trail of clothes to find you.......
Lest it die in the depths of eternal drunken recall denial...we peed in the street. Middle of the street. Simultaneously. Peed. Street. Middle of street.
Until you've snorted cocaine at 6am before your nursing school clinicals birthing babies you're not on my level
i think ive been high everyday since ive met you
I threw up in 4 different Starbucks across the city before 9 am.
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