how come the more i say "don't get it in my eyes," the more gets in my eyes
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
At the miami airport. Don't know if it's all the tequila I drank in cozumel or the 5 year olds french accent but I might puke.
nothing says new school year like ambulances and police road blocks.
just wrote a 6 page paper on my blackberry. including 3 sources. college is teaching me good things so far.
I did shrooms last night. My drug checklist is complete, I can finally graduate.
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
They switched jackets and you didn't notice. You made out with both of them and had no idea
The fire department told the police that I was inside the burning building trying to pee in the rest of the electrical Outlets. Booyaka.
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
I think I'm getting sponsored by the Mexican Drug Cartel for the start of my poker career. It was an interesting night at the bar. One word, Vegas.
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
I already tell everyone in my office my bf is at the Naval academy. It slipped one time and I can't go back on it now
6 hours ago I jacked off a a guy for $100. I explained it away as "compensation" for gas and tolls. WHAT am I doing with my life? Quickest and easiest $100 I ever made though, haha
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