He woke up licked his hand and put it on my vag and went back to sleep. This is twice this week and its only wednesday
That's why they call him "the cheesegrater".
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
All I remember is having a LONG talk with a 23 year old mother with a 5 year old kid at a bar who told me "it's not that bad"
You can't be mad because the taco bell people like me and not you. I'm not the one that puked in front of them.
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
I may have just flashed my roommate as he walked in while my towel was falling. Now he knows what an American sized penis looks like I suppose
I don't care if he was in that porno. He looked like he knew what he was doing.
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
I'm counting my small victories this morning. For instance, I haven't puked at work yet.
You declared that afternoon sex will be referred to as "wet naps" from now on
Wine. Check.\nDino chicken nuggets. Check.\n#IssaParty
Bacon and your penis are involved. Of course I'm going over.
He was cute in a Sketchy-trying-to-sell-you-a-vaccum-at-9-at-night kinda way.
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
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