This dress was meant to end up on your floor
i'd date him for the sole reason that he thanks me after giving him head
It's a line of coke at 10 a.m. kind of Saturday. Don't be a pussy about life.
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
I think ur a lot drunker then u think u are. That girl has the body of a cartoon character and not in a good way.
Someone left their drag queen on my couch. On the plus side, he sure does know how to make a mean cup of coffee.
This conversation has now reached a level of awkward that even a passerby streaking hobo couldn't break.
I am pretty sure they consider me one of the "bros". They compliment girl's racks to me and are the human forms of dick-be-gone. They won't sleep with me more than once cause it's "weird", or let any "untrustworthy boys" sleep with me and I still help them get laid. Not...fair...
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
I tried to celebrate Halloween, Thanksgiving, Hannukah, and New Years all in one night.
I think the cashier could tell I was sad. All I bought was penis shaped food and chocolate
i was so blazed last night that i kept imagining a talking eagle sitting next to me encouraging me to smoke more... i listened to it.
Just convinced the cute guy from class that I have prostate cancer. GET ME OUT OF THIS TOWN!
Those brownies did us in. I honestly blacked out completely.
What brownies? Ohmygod.
Randomize
