Was going to watch Bolt. Fucked a stranger instead. Details later.
So you didn't like Bolt?
His mom made me a necklace that i am supposed to wear to prom. She included a note with it, which had a star trek quote. What have I gotten myself into?
Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
He showed me a four inch blond hair that grows out of his side. He calls it his little ray of sunshine. Please come get me.
my mom just asked me, concerned, if I swallowed.
not to mention it took an hour of antique roadshow to calm my dick down
he just chased his shot of tequila with a chicken nugget.. either its a canadian thing or hes wasted
Because at some point last night we decided that shotgunning beers from a paint stick was a good idea
I'm not gonna lie. The only reason I haven't drank a whole bottle of crown tonight is because we only had 3/4 of a bottle left.
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
You thought her boot was a stray dog in your house..
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
I took advantage of the fact that my mentee had to go to the bathroom to throw up in the other stall. I'm going to hell for being hungover at an elementary school.
At what point did i decide poptarts, nyquil, and whiskey was a good idea?
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