I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
is this the only place in the world where you can get shot on one side of town, and have to stop for cows crossing the street on the other side?
remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
you kept screaming that dicks were growing out of your back and then you started crying cause they were so far from your vag
could you get any more awkward?
drunk...on the white house tour...security is staring. this will not end well.
I taped Calvin and Kyles heads together face to face while they were passed out. You should have seen them stumbling around using hungover teamwork trying to find scissors.
Just suggested things for my dad to get my mom for Christmas in terms of "yeah you'll get laid."
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
So a sorority girl just introduced herself to me by saying "a guy I used to fuck just threw up on me" and then she grinded on me
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
I'm a male taking pregnancy tests with every girl at the party. i have no regrets
He thought you were kidding about me peeing on my ex...and then I was like "that was one time"
I think when Jesus turned water into wine it was a sign that we should get drunk off Sangria tonight. Do it for Jesus. He died for your sins.
When she said "Tighten your safety belt and hold on!", that should have been a clear sign to me that one should never go off-roading in a rental car. On the bright side, they were able to tow her car out the next morning.
For some reason drunk me always leaves sober me a banana in the morning.
Randomize
