i just had sex. the condom broke. we're sleeping in to separate beds. And im in albany
Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
It was the single greastest thing to happen to my dick ever
before tonight, i was terrified of what tequila would make me do. but all it did was make me hook up with a movie star. sooo basically tequila's my new fave
I'm pretty sure he's lost all respect for me. it probably happened somewhere around the time i had officially slept with every single one of his friends..
you called your neighbor "slutsauce" then passed out on the stairway. not even sure why, but props to you.
I called him daddy. To his face. Somewhat sober. What more could I do?
I will come over now to take full advantage of you in your vulnerable state.
Fine. I should warn you I just threw up in danas fish tank. Fish are dead. Livers dead. I smell and look like a dead animal. And not showering. So deal with it.
So the bitch asked me if I wanted the name brand or the generic contraceptive. Does it look like I want to be generically pregnant?
Wait, whatever happened to locking our vaginas in closets?
Apparently it's bring your ugly annoying ass piece of shit slob of a baby day at work
What the hell do you have that is more important than a GIANT WATER SLIDE?
i have my bailey's and coffee which lasts me until lunch, at which time its appropriate for me to bring a vodka and OJ mix for the afternoon. This university thing is grrreat
Dave is getting a lap dance to the venga boys
this is not a drill
If I die bedazzle my coffin please.
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