Sometimes I stick my finger in my own ass and pretend it’s a vagina. I think it’s kinda weird. What do you think?
filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
Hold on im havin a staring contest with my cat
Hey did where's my bong?
In the tree out back .... Top branch on the right
Should I bother to ask?
why didn't you tell me his penis tasted like oreos?
Maybe he meant to say like I love fucking you? But just forgot the fucking part.. That's what I'm telling myself.
It took too long for people to come up with things in "never have i ever" so we had to change it to "Don't judge me but.."
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
I flossed his teeth and then we had sex in the bathroom. It just seemed like a good idea.
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
I miss her, but also fucked her ex boyfriend.... So there's that
Yeah you burned that bridge with your vagina
So you told me to remind you that you vomited 3 times in the street because you would forget so here is your reminder
I told you, I'm taking a sledgehammer to your walls. Fuck your walls.
I'm Batman.
Listen, I just paid for a hotel room, so I didn't have to have sex in his car. I'm adulting successfully.
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