Get out of your relationship and into my pants.
I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
I don't think he realizes it but he was stroking the faucet while he was talking to me.
Okay, quick math test. If our entire group can do at least 6 shots a night, how much alcohol will be needed to keep us shit faced for the rest of the week? This is for a grade. Anddd, go.
You were talking about masturbating on the phone then said you had to go because golden girls was on then you called me back saying you seen that episode already.
I just saw a commercial for God of War and heard the nickname he gave my vagina.
Admit it. It's a brilliant plan with hundreds of possible repercutions.
Understatement of the year.
On a side note Tyler is buying beer from a gas station in a panda suit priceless
I know. But whatever I'll just eat cold pizza and play with my cats by candlelight
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
Egg rolls and cum. Not my worst snack.
He's hot, clean, can actually cook, and best of all isn't a narcissistic prick. I found a unicorn.
Ride that fucker.
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
Must lick fork, like it's a DICK
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