i met him on craigslist. and no i'm not a hooker.
I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
she did the YMCA with her lgs... i think she forgot she wasnt wearing any underwear
I'm watching a Sinbad stand up special. Not even drugs can make this funny.
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
I swear to God, I just heard my guardian angel tell us to stop. I think we should listen.
for future reference: playing drunken strip-twister is a euphemism for a threesome. just thought you should know.
Just sucked my third dick in the past twelve hours. I must want AIDS.
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
How high are you?
I feel like breakfast can just fly into my mouth
It's not that I'm in love with her, so much as I would love to be her lesbian experience.
You made me take a photo of you under the stairs at the bar. "Look I'm Harry Potter."
These past few weeks have been a lesson on why you don't put your penis inside girls who live in your building.
First aid class means get dry humped by moderately attractive college students during heimlich maneuver training.
Just found a handle of Tito's in my TV stand
Can't recall when I put that there, but let's goooo
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