I just hit a new low..poured my beer in an empty coke can so I could drink in walmart.
I was to drunk to drive all the way up there, so we just had rough phone sex instead
His mom walked into the kitchen smiling, made a scotch on the rocks, hit my bong, and told us goodnight enthusiastically. He's suddenly more appealing to me.
Just rolled over and found your boyfriend in bed with me. Is mine at your house?
posting about faith hill is really not helping you get me into your bed
A blind man just put his face in my cleavage. I'm also crying.
Well watching will be involved...it'll just most likely be of me licking your penis instead of me trying to understand how Hans Solo goes up against the Galactic Empire...
Yeah I just don't know how I feel about my fuck buddy coming to work at my dads office with me.
Lift me 50ft in the air like a tow truck but with your penis
How high are you exactly
So I guess I bought a cat last night. Fuuuccckkk.
ROB LOWE. SO BEAUTIFUL. SO DOUCHEY. SO HARD TO SPELL HIS NAME WHEN DRUNK.
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
My car has a permanent smell of sex to it now.
I swear, the guy behind me wasn't paying attention until the words "middle aged fuckboy" came out of my mouth.
PSA- Wearing assless chaps results in embarrassingly painful sunburn
Randomize
