don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
love being home for thanksgiving just had grandma pick me up from the frat by her house
Some guy is walking around the bar with his dick out. Health code violation?
Would you be mad if I just used the argument "I'm allowed to say that, my best friend is a lesbian"?
Never. I'm proud to help you win arguments.
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
Pencil dick carries the name proudly.
I haven't filled him in on Operation "find a sugar daddy & suck dick for money" yet, but I'm sure he just wants me to be happy.
just had to get on my knees to snort an addy off the little sink at the daycare. teacher of the year!
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
also I was promised more toga parties by popular media
He literally said from now on he's always banging chicks with asthma becuas it's such an ego booster
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
I didn't have anyone to cheers so I tapped my beer on your fish tank... a little too hard
It's next to that place that has cock fighting.
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