I wonder what it would be like to masturbate in space
she was passed out on the moving sidewalks in the airport, we NEED to travel more often
We're having a serious conversation and I just responded to something he said with an emoticon. I am so baked.
I'm laying here half naked telling him I'm eating gold fish to change the subject of hookin up cuz I don't wanna put pants on
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
I'm missing a sock, a boot, and antlers. We need to get on that.
I asked if anyone's pants felt wet on the bottom, like a half hour after mine did. I had just peed my pants i had gotten so high no biggie
The water at the venue tasted HORRIBLE so I just kept drinking booze. It was like the medievals.
when i got home she was standing in my front yard not wearing a shirt and halfway crying/ halfway laughing
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
He just yells "mush!" as they're having sex.
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
I swear to god he thought my ass was a bag of wine last night.
drunk boyfriend and drunk me are NOT meant for each other
I'm at the fucking ritz Carlton and I would leave here to cuddle with her. Not even fuck, just cuddle. What th hell is wrong with me?
I think it's called love, bro
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