i need to break up with him. i realized this while i was making a mental grocery list while we were having sex. this is not the first time i've done that.
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
I found the other part of your tooth if you want to put it under your pillow
I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
Guess whose mug shot is NOT on the Internet anymore?!?!
I just watched the lion king for the first time in years. It's like the equivalent of a really good blow job.
Just you wait I'll be crying and puking everywhere in no time
Just to warn you I probably wont be able to do anything that involves standing up
Although I feel like awkward kinda describes your entire sexual history...
Lost my virginity dressed as catwoman. He was dressed as batman. Glad I waited.
Dude. The amount of love and appreciation from a house full of stoners when you come home at 4 am with donuts is overwhelming. The kind of love to make Jesus have to work a little harder at his unconditional love thing.
I'm literally in my bed still trying to find the energy to take my corset off so I can binge eat oreos
I think it may be easier if I stay drunk/high til the wedding. You game?
Jus pulled over and stole. Corn out of a. Field. ... get on my level
we got cockblocked by his mom again...its like she has a radar on me
please stop trying to sleep with him
Randomize
