If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
I didn't say she couldn't, I said you shouldn't.
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
there was a party in your bed and you weren't invited... change your sheets
I can't tell if I miss summer or 5 times a day sex more.
So i know you wont get this until you land, but if i'm late its cause i was having sex. being blunt and hope that explains things.
Apparently from about 3-5AM I was consoling that crying stripper about her life choices.
Everything smells like vodka and bologna. WHAT DID YOU DO?
Only you two could pull off a partner swap with honeymooners
why does CNN give a flying $@*# about the royal baby so, so much?
i hope they name him Joffrey
Is it bad that I'm tindering right now? I'm naked on his couch while he's slaving over legal documents for work. And he doesn't have cable, so what else am I supposed to do?
And I'm sorry for punching you in the face when I drunkenly threw my sandwich
Watching the blind side bc I need a good cry to make sure I'm still human after this weekend's questionable life choices
But like, I don't remember getting hit with the door... I just come out from peeing and there was blood running down my face.
What does "mood AF" mean?
Mood as fuck.
Why did you comment that on a video of a gorilla throwing its own shit?
Randomize
