I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
I swear to god he was trying to crawl under my door last night muttering "I'm Alex Mac! I'm Alex Mac!"
she'd have to be at LEAST a cup size bigger for me to even consider putting up with her voice
It's official. I'm a squirter. Wasn't a one time thing.
She thinks she's a fairy, dude. A real fucking fairy with wings and shit.
do you think semen can infect my impacted wisdom tooth
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
I just took a shower and found half a cookie melted under my boob. Please tell me there's a reason
Honestly bro, I can't look at girls you've banged. Its like looking herpes in the face.
Well I was kicked out of the bar and woke up on a picnic table. I'd say the night was awesome!
Dilemma. I'm out of wine and I can't put on clothes to go to the liquor store bc I just got spray tanned. If this isnt white girl problems I don't know what is.
If I stopped mid-sex because the guy was hung like a light switch, it doesn't count, does it? Like the five second rule.
its liver damage thursday
Guy peeing and puking at the same time in the women's restroom? So impressed that I can't be offended
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
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