he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
You had already cockblocked me. The cops were just an assist.
apparently 20 random guys watched the process of me being carried on a mattress through the dorms
He shaved off his eyebrows. This is not my life.
You'd be so proud. I have the flu/sore throat, so I've tied a scarf around my head and I'm microwaving jagerbombs. Let it never be said I'm not commited.
We met a guy named Raymond. You called him ramen all might and told him you would eat him up, "like sex, on a budget."
Somehow I ended up in a different costume dancing with some tree of a guy in the basement bathroom, what did you give me?
I have an ideal penis or slightly above ideal penis in every country that isn't ruined by the specter of communism
Tonight I'm getting fucked up for America because Lord knows we need it.
it was like reliving my childhood drunk at a bar.
We drunkenly made out once four years ago and then he immediately vomited and honestly I've never gotten over him
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
Put on your bikini and meet me at the pool \nit’s cock o’clock!
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
Randomize
