When he went down on me, I saw his bald spot... It completely ruined the experience
Dont worry about the blood on the pillow. its from my face.
you better take a shot tonight for every cat you have ever seen and wanted. this is a lot of cats.
do you know how much drugs we can buy now that you got that raise at work
Either I'm tripping balls or my dog has super powers.
Oh my goodness please please please my inner slut needs some pampering, shes getting rusty and nothings worse than a rusty slut
I think mark twain said that originally
It is officially settled in my mind that fuck the hot grad student is THE goal this year
You invented a drink at the bar and named it Boner Soup. It was like an even trashier version of a long island iced tea
This day took a left turn at "This is your going away party, I got a bunch of blow."
You can not love someone based on who they were when they were 9. Does he know how many dicks I've sucked since then?
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
Well I'm sorry I assumed you were a human and that humans have the capability to forget sometimes.
We had a company shotgunning beers contest in the parking lot today, and I won. God bless America!
Good news!! I can adult!! 😂 turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement ðŸ˜ðŸ˜‚
What does it mean when the bartender gives you 4 straws?
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