I haven't been this sober since birth.
I bought the tickets, he brought the weed. thanks to you, we had to roll a joint out of my bible paper.
Yes, I am watching The Hills Have Thighs. And yes it is a porno remake of The Hills Have Eyes. And, again, yes, lesbian sex in the desert. Get the sand out.
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?
Someone just got laid.
you made sure to tell everyone that the amount of people you had slept with was actually quite low, especially when the size of your breasts was taken into account
I love how my cats smell like pot.
In the future let's not drunk dive in the fountain in front of the hotel bar.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
Tight. Want to get up, make coffee, sit on separate couches and silently read our mobile devices together?
Your pictures have evolved a lot over the years but I think your angry dick pic phase was one of my favorites
In between explaining the best feminist lenses for the myth of Persephone and doing vodka shots with my friends she dragged me into my car and gave me an Earth shattering blow job. Honestly I think I'm in love.
I woke up to Dragon Ball Z playing in Portuguese and a donut shish-kebab~ed on a dick in my face.
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