She said I could do whatever I wanted to her. I pumped for 20 seconds, apologized, rolled over and passed out. I sit directly across from her at work. Awkward?
Then he told me I had the most beautiful looking vulva
I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
If i die in the snow, get to my laptop and delete all of the nickelback. password is "barry"
as in "white"?
We fucked in your water heater closet. Told you we'd try everywhere.
no one could get around him on the stairs cause he surrounded himself with all the empties he could find, he said he was building a fort. then he passed out on them.
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
I just lifted up my shirt to scratch my stomach n a Dorito flew out of my pullover n it legit scared me when it hit me.
I did way too many drugs this past week for having a broken nose #commitment
.... I'm on a random couch somewhere in Newark wrapped in a Lightning McQueen blanket
He has a bear rug in his room. I'm going to ask if we can have sex on it. Wilderness sex.
good news, i've got tacos. bad news, kevin's in the ER. more good news, the tacos were free.
"hahahaha" is not a sufficient reply when I tell you my mother laughed at a joke about me giving blowjobs.
I'm hungover and in a fort. And I hate you.
So many questions
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
Randomize
