I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
"fuck a duck" is spelled out in chinese food on my counter... im kind of nervous to search the rest of my house......
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
He just told me the blow job I gave him was like a journey
Please please please buy brown eye liner on your way home in the morning... I'm missing an eyebrow
I miss you more than I would miss junk food if I went on a diet. And you've seen me eat, you know how desperate I'd be.
STOP TELLING PEOPLE I PEED ON YOU
it's taken me 3 hours to eat this pudding cup. I think I am melting.
Found my id. It was in the cats litter box. Seriously what was last night.
If you need anything just hit me up
Pancakes
Noted.
He changed the password on his Netflix account. The break up is official.
You really need to not quote Anchorman while I'm giving you a serious blowjob.
I WANT BLOOD. HERS. I WILL DYE A FABULOUS PAIR OF SUEDE PUMPS RED WITH HER BLOOD.
listen I will take literally anything I can get my tiny gay fingers on
Randomize
