Wanted to apologize for chris browning you when you were on my computer.
I just told the 2nd grade class leprechauns are the children of midgets.
Adams eating in the shower, he says it's one of his favorite places to eat. Btw it's milanos he's eating, he says he loves italy too.
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
If we can only get laid once in a blue moon, apparently this will be our month.
Nope not happening. When I close my eyes the floor moves. I'm going to enjoy this free roller coaster.
Based on my body hair location, my ancestors had very cold hamstrings and very warm chests
He is really drunk but I just found $20 so it's like I am getting paid to babysit
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
I WOULD SERIOUSLY RECOMMEND THE SHIT THAT I AM ON RIGHT NOW
Pretty sure when I woke up the next morning we were still fucking. It just didn't stop.
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
I HAVE A TEST I'M SORRY YOUR UN SUCKED DICK ISN'T MY FIRST CONCERN
I just spent 100$ at a sex shop to make myself feel better. And I signed you up to win 200$ so if you win, it's mine. And yes I'm serious.
Randomize
