im pretty sure i tried to attack the vending machine last night
lol who won
well im in the hospital right now so u tell me
if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
If this place produced love children they would be born wearing Lilly Pullitzer with raging coke addictions.
I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
So... I just got back from the chiropractor... And he said I have a slight neck injury from head banging too much. Fuck yes.
I miss seeing your mom and dad at church, well mostly just your mom... She used to hug my face into her boobs.
My lack of memory is directly related to being friends with you.
any interest in drunk sledding later? if not, any interest in driving me to the hospital later?
You're not required to sleep with every guy that spends $10 on you.
I will not fill you in on the details until we get back, so do not ask. I got peed on by the girl I was hooking up with last night.
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
I don't know. What do people who don't get stoned do?
You drunkenly said something along the lines of "move forever" to the lady standing in your way. Needless to say you had too many mimosas at breakfast.
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
Randomize
