Sandwiches eeeeeeverywhere.
I just caught myself doing the gator chomp to my tv. I need to get laid.
On the one hand, she would be the biggest mistake of my year. On the other hand, she's here and drunk.
I dont know why people are racist. Both the mexicans and the irish gave us holidays where everyone drinks on a wednesday.
He said he's was gunna give me some pain meds. I'm not sure what they are but I just gave him a thumbs up
She kept saying 'I love you' but i couldn't tell if she was talking to me or to her beer.
It took him three days to realize his roommate had moved out.
Well I never thought in the future I'd be able to say "hey remember that Easter I made porn?"
I accidentally kneed him in the balls while trying to straddle him so we ended up spending the night watching ffm porn online
If you saw or spoke to me yesterday can you message me. Trying to make a timeline of the day I was too drunk to remember
Is there a classy way to tell him that to thank him for his service I would like to put his dick in my mouth?
"Happy Veterans Day! Now pull down your pants."
If you bet guys that you can drink them under the table they will pay for your drinks all night until they pass out. I have this down to a science that I think even my dad would appreciate.
Haha I had a heart to heart with a stripper so I would say it was a success?
On a scale of 1 to i should hide, how deep did i dig my grave?
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
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