I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
We saw a kid playing in poison ivy. We walked away, he'll learn his lesson.
I'm going to appeal my grade. Is it better to look studious or slutty?
I gave the naked guy in the hotel hall a pop tart. He stopped crying.
I can't find my underwear or one of my shoes but he baked me cookies for breakfast.
At a party. It smells like teen pregnancy and sadness in here.
Sorry, they don't make maternity Power Ranger suits...
I have nothing to lose. And a bunch of dick to gain.
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
she genuinely believed that kangaroos are a cross between a deer and a T-rex
I turned off my domesticated goddess switch over 2 years ago and idk how to turn it back on. So in the mean time I'll dodge this gf bullet and eat free steak for as long as possible
Annoying and petty is the name of the game and I'm the MVP.
I left my Bacardi and dignity in your freezer. Will come get it later.
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
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