you know what i hate about salt? you can't see it.
just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
I am coming home for anal
* a nap*
Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
You insisted on calling your mixture of Bacardi & powdered milk "a Jamacian Facial."
The fuck-me-pumps were hot, the XL hoody kinda ruined it.
You know when you meet a penis that looks like it was made out of all your hopes and dreams?
I love spring semester, so many high school girls visiting that think I'm the sexiest man alive just because I'm in college
Aren't you gay?
IT'S NICE TO FEEL WANTED DON'T RUIN THIS FOR ME
Found a piece of twizzler in my buttcrack.
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
SHE'S PREGNANT AS SHIT, AND I JUSR PEELED A CLEMENTINE TO CHASE SHOTS WITH!! COULD LIFE GET ANY BETTER!?
Can't meet up at the party. Gary was caught by the cops attempting to drop a deuce thru his ex wife's Subaru via sun roof. Details as soon as bail is processed.
Wait, I'm confused. I EMPTIED the bottle? as in consumed it? I'm impressed with myself.
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
sometimes u just gotta ride a dildo and forget about life
Randomize
