you sent me the whole alphabet, one letter a text. it took 15 minutes to read them all
They still haven't come up with a cure for a hangover; good luck cancer.
do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
finally cleaned my dorm for the first time all year. bleach is awesome.
i just dedicated my kegstand to your breasts
And I think short bridesmaids dresses are the best idea especially for bathroom sex
MASS TEXT! MASS TEXT! Your sad horny friend has finally gotten it in and can go back to being normal once again. You're welcome.
You might have crossed the line by jerking off while she was in the bathroom taking a prego test. Just saying
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
You christened everyone with a powdered doughnut and then tried to absorb vodka with your nipple.
PLEASE DON'T BE HEARTLESS COME AND GET ME FROM THE BAR I'M HIGH AS SHIT AND I LOST MY SHOES
Regardless of your intentions, deep throating a Twinkie is NOT sexy. You owe that poor cashier an apology the next time you pump gas.
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
in retrospect i think my mom tried to raise me gay
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
Randomize
