i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
Looks like I will be paying for the roofie I slipped myself in 9 months.
so i walked in, looked up the stairs and all i saw was smashed pumpkin, tube socks, and marinara sauce
I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
He was singing "i gotta feeling" under his breath as i was pulling my top off.
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
He got me coffee AND filled up my gas tank. He must've fucked another girl in my car..
I told her my cab was outside the club and that I had to go, but I think we both knew this wasn't going anywhere past the sloppy bathroom handjob.
I work nights. I sleep in. I take online classes. And fuck bad bitches. I'd say those are some perks to grad school.
Woke up with a 22 year old with the number for a different girl written on my stomach, almost 30 can suck my dick I still got this shit
You know getting black out drunk at a cats birthday party should have been my lowest point drinking wise but some how I feel like last night was some how worse
My boobs are hoarders, they steal food and hide it. Greedy bitches.
They already have a joint checking account. She's got his balls in her purse! What's next, a shared Facebook account?
i dunno dude, he took his shirt off and is rubbing jello shots on himself. i think he's done
Im so sorry for peeing on your chest.
Randomize
