They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
Well someone named our apartment "the eiffel tower" on facebook check-in so I think they know..
Her face is stuck to the frozen jager bottle. I think shes ok with it
When I was with you my penis felt like a fat woman crammed into a pair of lulu lemons
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
I'm not sure whom I'm texting but I put you in my phone as last nights fuck budy, and I'm just curious if I left my clutch with you?
I think now I understand why people say my penis is pretty.
She needs to go. She is like the Yoko Ono of our group.
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
It was going very smoothly until she noticed my boner of hope.
we should most definitely have a fire extinguisher in the apartment. like... for sure
He dropped some cash when he got in my front seat upside down. And a hat. I'm keeping them as retribution for not remembering that he had sex with me once before. Although, if he didn't have his dick pierced, I wouldn't have remembered either.
I'm hungry and horny. DEADLY COMBINATION.
Randomize
