The child next door sounds like he's having vigorous sex in the backyard and it's making me very, very uncomfortable. I don't want to look.
i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
So what if i'm late to spanish tomorrow. who the hell cares. i don't even speak spanish.
Apparently I ran up to the group of cookie-cutter blonde chicks and screamed "Delta Gamma Nuuuuuuu!" really excitedly and tried to hug them and share fake sorority stories with them.
He literally stopped in the middle of sex to look up sex positions on his iPhone...
Went from beach to class to bar all while wearing my swimsuit as pants. Clearly I'm dressed for success.
I keep hearing lesbian porn and I'm the only one home. I don't think this is healthy
I just saw her take the entire bowl of lime wedges from the bar and pour them all in her purse, and now using the empty bowl as a hat. Waiting for security to come and throw her ass out.
Then he kept saying sentences and ending them all with "the point of no return" even if it didn't make sense, and kept telling this other guy he wouldn't be his "wife son"
You're the third person who's asked me for an afternoon blow connection in one day. Unreal.
That's more of a you-issue than a me-issue
Is it too early to start pregaming for St. Patty's?
Dude, for twins they have shockingly different blowjob styles.
STOP FUCKING MY SISTERS!!!!
Well he has a golden retriever set as his background so there's no way he was filming us having sex
Well, i'm not hugging a bag of cheetos and crying while I watch Friends wishing that we were Ross and Rachel. So clearly I'might doing better than last night.
I knew I was in for a long night after I filled the empty pinata carcass with beer, bit off the top of one of it's legs and used it as a beer bong.
Randomize
